The Waitress vs The Theoretical Physicist
by Existent Unicorn
Summary: What happens when Sheldon is forced to do anything Penny says? How will he fight back to become free of her?
1. The Satisfactory Hypothesis

**A/N: The rights to The Big Bang Theory do not belong to me. Anyway, enjoy!**

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**Chapter 1**

**The Satisfactory Hypothesis**

Penny abruptly came in flustered through Leonard and Sheldon's apartment door. Sheldon was sitting at his desk in front of his laptop while Leonard was sitting on the couch reading a book.

"Gosh, don't you just hate it when you don't know what's going to happen? It makes me so nervous!"

"Penny, if you are really concerned, seek out a psychic and that should calm your woes," Sheldon replied followed by his usual gaspy laugh.

"Ah, your acting career making you play the waiting game again?" asked Leonard.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I was so confident, but now I'm feeling iffy. Say something that will ease me. I'm having an attack here."

"Penny, if it is absolutely necessary that you must seek a cure to your delirium, you should highly consider seeking that psychic I'd recently suggested."

"Ok, let me just put this out for you right now: I've had enough of your sarcasm Sheldon."

"I wasn't using sarcasm, I truly meant concern for your," and he air quoted, "attack."

With Sheldon's usual lack of using air quotes incorrectly, she shot him a grimace. Instead of fighting back, she felt herself spiraling downward into a feeling of sadness.

"You want to take a seat?" offered Leonard.

"Yes, please," she said and sat relatively close to Leonard, but tried to remain distant. The thought of losing Leonard to Priya circled her mind almost as much as the thought of losing out on a major role.

"It's not like he even knows sarcasm anyway, the guy can't even detect it," said Leonard in an attempt to cheer her up.

"Yeah, well if you're telling me that that was the best way he could help me, it wasn't."

It was silent for a couple seconds. Leonard feeling terrible for Penny, had become a bit sullen himself. "Hey, I'm sure they are talking about considering you at this very moment."

"Sure, that's what I thought, but then... I don't know," and right then Penny erupted into tears; All the feelings she had been experiencing for months on end finally exposed, having her cover her hands over her face, releasing deep sobs and sniffles. Taken aback by her sudden crying, Leonard awkwardly put his hand on her back and patted it. Sheldon from his desk looked back at her with confusion and then rolled his eyes and nodded at the screen.

"Penny, come here," he said.

"Wh-what?" replied a sniffling Penny.

"Well, come over here," he motioned.

"Oh boy," muttered Leonard under his breath. "Wait, Penny, listen," he grabbed for her hand impulsively before she could stand. "Don't you give up hope yet. They haven't given you an answer."

"I don't hear movement," interjected Sheldon impatiently.

Penny sighed and walked on over to see Amy on the laptop screen.

"Hey bestie, I heard what happened. Shall we throw a girl's night in filled with what one would consider comfort foods and talk out all our dilemmas to relieve ourselves of our annoying emotional stresses? How about at your place? Good. I'm bringing ice cream."

"Wait Amy- that's really nice of you, but they haven't rejected me for the part." Leonard smiled at Penny's sudden direction of optimism.

"Yet," tore in Sheldon. "Given your history with auditions, the likelihood of an approval with this one is much slimmer than you realize."

"Sheldon, turn me so I could have a word with my best friend. And how dare you contribute to an already overwhelming situation of grief! You need to apologize. That is the socially correct thing to do after what you just said," Amy scorned.

Sheldon looked back at Penny who had an increasingly upset facial expression since the last time he noticed.

"Why, it doesn't take a psychic to know that! I'm saving her a whole deal more of disappointment."

"You're right Sheldon. What would I do without your kind heart and caring personality?" said Penny in an obvious sarcastic tone, but of course knowing Sheldon...

"Yes, well I'm glad you have finally come to your senses."

"Maybe it's best not to talk anymore, Sheldon. Here, look at this." Like trying to keep a small child occupied, Leonard tossed a book titled _20 Ways to Conquer the Universe _to him. He frantically began to skim throughout the pages. "Leonard, what is this sorcery...?" began Sheldon, but Leonard hushed him.

"Let me do something to help you, Penny," Amy said. "What would take your mind off of your troubles? Name anything."

Penny had thought for a moment, and then it finally struck her: it was evident Amy had a power over Sheldon that she could never have. The idea would be sure to cheer her up in no time flat.

"I've got it," Penny mischievously smiled. "How about Sheldon must do everything in his power to make me feel better."

"Excuse me," Sheldon looked up. "But since when do you command me to do as you say, as if I were some sort of puppet obligated to be of servitude to you?"

"Tell him Amy," Penny said before Sheldon could try speaking again. "Just like your boyfriend tried to nurse you back to health when you were ill that one time, now he must help me feel happy instead of further kicking me down."

Amy paused to take a moment of consideration, then finally admitted, "Well... She makes quite a suggestion."

Sheldon's face filled with astonishment and pure horror. "Oh Amy, you cannot possibly agree... It's all a part of her vile scheme!"

"It's not a scheme if it's been proposed."

"Rats." Sheldon found it hard to bounce back after being corrected by any human being, but Amy Farrah Fowler caused him to feel a much deeper shame than just anyone could cause him.

"And that's a yes?" almost squealed Penny.

"No, no, that's _not_ a yes. What about Leonard?"

It didn't take even a second for Leonard to look up confusedly from his magazine after clearly hearing his roommate declare betrayal. "And you're going to drag me into this... I wasn't the one who was being pessimistic! Plus, I'm meeting with Priya later... so... yeah," he cocked his head upward in hope of showing a dominance, but immediately had to fixate his glasses to sit comfortably upon his nose.

"Of course you are," muttered Penny what she thought was silently to herself.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Sheldon needs to make his decision."

"And saying no would do what quite exactly?" he asked oh-so-confidently.

"Well, for starters... I am your waitress who delivers your food," she nodded with her eyes widened, lips pursed.

"Ah yes, I suppose that would give me one reason to cooperate with your plan to trap me... which consists of complete and utter blackmail. You hear me, Amy? Blackmail!"

"As Penny's bestie and as your girlfriend, I ask of you Sheldon, please help Penny. You haven't made her feel any better than when she walked through the door." Sheldon still held a stern look. "For me?"

Sheldon was experiencing an overwhelming feeling of being torn between two things he cared about most: Amy Farrah Fowler and the well-being of himself. It was all so much to the point where his eyes began to squint and spasm. Penny had the feeling he would crack and she would finally have the satisfaction of commanding Sheldon to do as she instructed him, but Sheldon wasn't quick to give in as she had thought. He had struck Penny with a round of questions in an attempt to stall. Questions like, _Why don't we discuss this later?_ and _What if I were to experience a heart attack in your presence? Surely you couldn't save my life for trying. Who do you plan to call? _But after running out of questions, he had finally reached the question that concerned him the most.

"What are your terms?"

"I think I'll decide to tell you once it's a yes or no." Oh how Penny loved to toy with the Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

He began to rule out his pros and cons aloud, "If I decline, I will never see the light of day. If I accept, who knows what sort of chicanery you have up your sleeve for me... And with that, I would like to say that I am sorry I had offended you. It was malevolent of me to talk negatively of your acting career. I do understand that it is hard for people without a college diploma or a community college one at that, to as today's kids say...'win at life.' "

It wasn't until after witnessing the scowl that interrupted Amy's smile when the unthinkable occurred...

"Fine, I consent to your proposal, as I would like to just state that I conform for only a brief period of time and have the right to object to your terms, renegotiating the time regarding my duration. Are we good?"

Penny took a moment to process his formal, what she guessed was an acceptance, and looked back at Leonard and grinned.

"Unbelievable. Dr. Sheldon Cooper finally accepts," Leonard added playfully after meeting Penny's eyes.

"Now, now, let's not get brash here," said Sheldon.

"Well, Penny, TTYS... which means talk to you soon. I have a new study I'm partaking in at the lab later. I'll tell you how it goes, most likely through _Facebook_. And Sheldon, I am at a loss of words to your compliance. You have truly made me beam thousands brighter than the sun," spoke Amy through the laptop who now had teary eyes.

"Aww," Penny gushed. "Science-y, nerd, love."

Sheldon replied with none other than, "Goodbye Amy Farrah Fowler," and clicked on the _End Conversation_ button.

While Leonard sat stunned and in awe at witnessing the events that just unfolded, Penny was in a state of elation, and it wasn't difficult at all to tell that Sheldon was still paralyzed at just had being beaten at his own game.

"You do know what this means Sheldon?" She smiled satisfyingly. "You're like my b-word now."


	2. The Wolowitz Injunction

**The chapter contains quotes from the episode of The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Pinata Polarization (for flashback purposes). **

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**Chapter 2**

**The Wolowitz Injunction**

"Well, as much as I'd love to stay and watch Sheldon jump through hoops," said Leonard who was now on his way out the door, "I've to go now."

A second after slamming the door shut, he quickly returned to tell Sheldon, "Oh, yeah. Please... Don't do anything that could risk the apartment... Like, say... Burn it down?" and he had left.

"Well it's not like I could if I would," Sheldon replied who shook his head at Penny. "Jump through hoops? Do not tell me that you are considering having me do just that."

"Oh sweetie, trust me. That will probably be the last the I will ask you to do." Sheldon wasn't liking Penny's grin, which he sensed had evil written all over it. "Penny, I don't-," he began, but was interrupted by Howard Wolowitz's entrance.

"So Sheldon... I was on my way home when Leonard sent me the most interesting text. Let me read it you real quick... '_Sheldon meets his match. I repeat, Sheldon has fallen to Penny'_... and I must ask, Penny... How in the hell did you do it? I could never just get him to zip his physicist mouth for just one second. Well, no one could."

She laughed. "What do you want Howard?"

"I want to see. I want to _know_."

"Oh Howard, I think you are entirely misunderstanding the situation. You see, Penny here was feeling low-spirited due to the fact that she couldn't forsee getting a part after an audition, and I simply advised her to seek out a psychic to cure her woes. And that's how it went down... the end," Sheldon spoke nonchalantly.

Penny bit down on her lower lip to hide a smile that would reveal her true greed for power. "Um, I think you are missing out on one teensy-tiny detail, Sheldon. You agreed to be, as you put it, my 'puppet.' "

"And I repeat: Blackmail."

"Holy crap, he's serious," Wolowitz said aside to Penny. "If I were you, I'd start by whistling for multiple minutes, take a seat on his couch spot, and then command him to make me hot chocolate with only enough marshmallows to barely cover the top and maybe spend the rest of the evening watching America's Top Model... Unmuted." He turned to Sheldon now. "That's right, Sheldon. _Unmuted_."

Sheldon let out his gaspy laugh. "That's a shame because it's not going to happen."

"Say, isn't it that time of hour for you to prepare to go to bed, Sheldon?"

"Well, no, not quite exactly..."

"You sure? It's getting pretty late, and one minute off schedule ensues chaos. Lack of sleep causes the mind to-"

"How dare you... Now my mind has entered into a state of paranoia."

"Yes, yes. Let me just use your restroom for some time-"

"No! No! Stop! Please, just- okay, got to go." Sheldon dashed off to the restroom to fulfill his usual bedtime routine of cleansing himself followed by finding his comfy spot on his bed, and maybe if he found himself tossing and turning, would ask Penny to sing him _Soft Kitty_, which he knew wasn't going to happen tonight though.

"You're terrible," Penny shook her head at Wolowitz.

"I only did it because it leaves me enough time to tell you what I need to tell you."

"And what is that?"

"Ammo."

"Ammo? What does that mean?"

"To use against Sheldon."

"Why would I need to further blackmail him that what I already have? I mean, it's like you said, he'll stick to his word."

"Yes, but come on now. You do realize that it's Sheldon we're talking about here, right? He's not just going to take a seat in his usual spot on the couch and daydream about fluffy bunnies or even formulas. You've found a way to have him in the palm of your hand, and he'll only make sure it goes the other way."

"Now you just sound silly."

"Do I?"

She gave some thought to what Wolowitz was suggesting, but truly she didn't intend on having another blown-out war with Sheldon. On the other hand, maybe Wolowitz had a point... but Sheldon wouldn't... would he?

She recalled the first fight that she encountered with Sheldon that ended up in a battle of rounds. It had gone too far for her comfort:

_Sheldon, where are my clothes?_

_Your clothes?_

_Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them they were gone._

_Really? Despite the sign that says 'Do Not Leave Laundry Unattended' ?_

_Sheldon, __**where**_ _are my clothes?_

_You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh yes! Earlier this evening, I happened to gaze out the window and a brazier caught my eye. Do those look familiar? _

Penny had looked up from the window in disbelief.

_How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?_

_When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible _(this especially echoed in her mind the most).

"Okay, I see your point. Sheldon is one crazy man when it comes to not having the upper hand. Him and his physics... Ugh."

"You see? And I have what you need. So what do you say?"

"Well, do I owe you anything? Because I'll tell you, it's not worth it if I'm going to be blackmailed."

"Of course not! Penny, I am 100% completely on _your _side, and if Sheldon comes with a weapon, I'll defend you."

"Ok. So what is this brilliant plan you have?"

He leaned in closer and in a hushed tone said, "I have finally cracked Sheldon's password for his _World of Warcraft _account. Okay, so I knew for a while now, but I've never found any reason to use this against him." Penny turned to raise an eyebrow at him. "Okay, I would be lying if I told you that I have never been tempted several times to... But I didn't want to risk Wolowizard's gear."

It had still amazed Penny how important the world of online gaming had meant to the boys, but it was just something she would never really understand.

"So you're telling me, if he tries to pull an attack, I just tell him I know his _World of Warcraft _password?"

Howard's face cringed. "No! You don't just go out and tell him you know his password. You let him think he has won, and just when all is calm, that is when you go for the kill."

"Okay, Howard, what is happening to me is not like in one of your stupid video games. What it's called again... Halo or something?"

From his room, Sheldon had grumpily interrupted, "Stop the babbling! According to The Roommate Agreement, clause-"

"Yeah, yeah! We get it," Wolowitz said. "We'll speak with our inside voices!"

Hastily, Sheldon replied, "FYI, that's not an inside voice."

Howard's facial expression had changed into one of annoyance. "Oh the temptation," he growled under his breath. "Well, like I was saying, I'll send you a message on _Facebook_ with the info just in case. His most prized possessions are his thousands of gold and any one his purple equipped gear. I'd go for the money first though."

"Alright, so I _secretly_ do what with his money?"

"Send it to Wolowizard. I'm pretty broke now after all those visits to the auction house-"

"I know nothing about this game."

"I'll just send you information via _Facebook_ message, ok? Just trust me that I've got your back. Where's Leonard?"

"He went out with Priya, and there's a good chance he won't be returning tonight. What about Bernadette? I bet she's wondering why you aren't home this late. Well, knowing her, she's probably more worried than you think. You should probably go."

"I will. I'll tell her what has kept me; I know she'll understand. She finds Sheldon just as quirky and bothersome as much as I do."

"Ok, so I guess I'll be awaiting your message then."

"Sure thing. See you later."

"Yep."

Penny quietly exited the apartment, returning to hers feeling satisfied yet distracted, and even a bit confused. Did she really just bond as much as she had with Howard over online gaming and Sheldon?

* * *

Howard returned home to find Bernadette sitting upright in bed with a displeased face that stopped him dead in his tracks shortly after coming through the door. "Hey, honey," he said cautiously.

"Don't you 'hey, honey' me. No text, email, nothing! I was worried sick about you Howard! It's almost 9:30 at night."

"Woah, really? I didn't think I was there that long..."

"_That long_?"

He rushed to her bedside after realizing how everything must sound to her, and nothing good at that.

"Bernie, just wait. It's not what it sounds like. I was talking to Penny-"

"_You were at Penny's_?" He felt like kicking himself; nothing seemed to be coming out right. Bernadette knew how Penny was, and at this hour, it seemed to be getting the best of her.

"Actually, no. I had come from Leonard and Sheldon's if you had let me finish."

She took in a deep breath and looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry I doubted you, Howie. I shouldn't have reacted that way."

He sat beside her on the bed. "You were just worried. I understand."

"So... what happened?"

"Sheldon happened. Penny and him seem to be in somewhat of a dispute and I wanted to help her out because, let's face it, no one wants to find themselves battling with Sheldon."

"And how exactly were you able to help her?"

"By whipping out Sheldon's _WoW_ info. It's good, right?" he said proudly, puffing out his chest.

Bernadette looked worried again. "Howard, do you really think it was a good idea to be getting in the middle of this? This isn't your conflict to deal with."

"Are you kidding me? I've been waiting ages for a good reason to use this against him and this might be it! After all the times he has made me feel like the outcast of the group...,"he raised his voice to mock Sheldon, "Oh, you don't have a PhD? Well, doesn't that make _you _feel special?"

"You _are_ special. To me," she said in a sweet and loving tone.

"I appreciate the loving gesture, but the very thought of Sheldon turns me into a troll. Penny somehow was able to make him agree to do anything she instructs him... which she never really told me how, but he _agreed_. Anyway, I wonder if that's driving him crazy at this very moment."

"Look, I know you strongly dislike Sheldon with his peculiar behavior, and I know you want to take revenge on him, but by you helping Penny, you're just as involved as she is. Do you really want Sheldon to come after you too?"

"No-"

"Then let's just leave it at that, ok? It's late and I don't want you to go to bed upset."

* * *

It was now 10:00 in the middle of the night, long past his usual bedtime, and Sheldon had been staring at the ceiling discontent since he had got up to lock the door after Penny had left. When he had snuggled himself back in bed, all he had been feeling was the need to toss and turn and feel discomfort. It had been the thought of what Penny would make him do that kept badgering his mind to stay awake.

"Sheldon, this is Penny we are talking about here." He let out a groan. "You are a foolish man for agreeing to such a foolish idea. That Amy Farrah Fowler... why must her delightful personality and presence be quick to endear me? Surely, there must be something I can do to tiptoe around this situation without Amy knowing... And oh dear... I suppose that leaves me only one choice. I guess must invent my own villainous plan for Penny in secret." He grinned devilishly and felt it was necessary to hold a flashlight in his face, just like the antagonists he had seen in the movies, but was too exhausted to get up.

"Eh, I'll devise a plan tomorrow. This villain needs sleep," he lastly said before shutting his eyes, sleeping soundly through the rest of the night like a baby. That is, until Penny had come into his room to wake him.


End file.
